1. |
back again
03:37
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I
As the sky seems cloudy
filled with a seagull white
the ocean barks and yells at me, yells at us
raindrops choosing me, to fall on, oh on you too
I feel distorted, but warm
II
I don't know if it was a decision but I slept in the car
in the yard, in the wood and by the freeway
this was when the police came by
and wanted me to leave for safety (for mine). Thanx
III
on our way home I decided to leave the car
and get home by myself, “why not trying”, it took me a week
we changed shoes, but yours were too big
I walked miles and miles, hour per hour
just to see you, endless blue
IV
the pigeons, the gulls and the sea urchin (oh man)
a thousand colours under water
I like to see you naked, you are almost
surfers left their roles at the beach, undressed
into the wild, into the ocean, into the blue
the dirt of the cities and the roads
alleys adorned by palm trees, on and on
I wanna stay with you
the wide grasslands and the scent of the blossoms
the trees becoming green or no they'll never lose their leaves
the beauty of the daylight, a strong shine that helps a million living things giving birth
a thousand lights endure the night
a sparkling emerald from above
enjoy the rain as well as the sun
I wanna dance into the dark
along to the sound of the cicadas
no, you'll never see one
I guess they are pretty much one with the trees bark
cherish, appreciate the uniqueness of the moment
cherish, appreciate the preciousness of every living being
cherish, appreciate the uniqueness of the moment
cherish, appreciate the preciousness of every living being
cherish, appreciate the uniqueness of the moment
cherish, appreciate the preciousness that lies in every thing
V
is fear always a part of the spirit of adventure?
to get to know the former unknown
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2. |
down the road
04:29
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I stood down the road
when you shut the door for the last time
the car was already packed
we looked at us
arms in arms
eye to eye
hand in hand
and although I know the plane would need just a few hours
and a phonecall just a sec to get to you/ to get through
I know our relationship will be a different one
because you're not here, you're not here
not seeing you
not touching you
no spontaneous “come on, let's go”
–
don't wanna hold you
but I have to say i'm sad
I wanna hold it back
but my tears are falling down straight
my inner side feels like a broken world
that is based on porous fragments
while you left with mummy's red car
I kept standing in your ex-door frame
–
and I know I'll miss this time
did you know it's possible to unlearn
to speak, to think and to laugh
just watch my mum
and I know I'll miss this time
yes, you were my continuum
the person who knows
my everyday life, who knows my development
who knows me inside out
and I know I'll miss this time
I'm missing the conversations, the laughing
the jokes, yes, the silly jokes
and the hang arounds
and I know I'll miss this time
I need a talking partner
a constant one
no, not a therapist
I need a friend, a real one
–
got someone here, got someone there
(but there's no line, no continuity
that really binds us,
nor connects our meetings and new stories with the last
ones)
to talk to someone who knows your context and your every-
day life is a different thing
a frequency to talk to another once in 3 months
I guess it's much to less, you know
it's much to less
stop here
go on fulfill your dreams, the world is ours
ready to be taken
two lifes, two paths
following, accompanying and crossing each other just for a while
–
as I took a look on pictures of me
I saw you
in me, on me
we're behaving like the ones around
and so we're changing, oh no, so we're collecting roles
–
and as it couldn't be worse
a certain way of me to behave and to talk and to think
left with you, left as you did
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3. |
dys-/ u-
04:08
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good morning black moloch
I was watchin' you for hours first from a distance
then from the inside, your inside
your thumpin' pulse
the thousands of cars
the millions of people
the traffic jams
the rush hours
the sirens of the ambulance
and the police cars (the eye of the law)
you're made out of concrete over and over, up to the clouds
reflectin' the sky which is around you, underneath you
your houses are growin' like trees
and you, you're the forest
neglectin' the forest around you
includin' it in you
as well as you unite the ones who'd never get along among each other
you accommodate and hide the murderer and its prey
and the ones who wanna see you fall
with your amusements you're distractin' everybody
from the toddlers to the retirees
from what life really meant to be
but hey what is life
that was the question of a sixteen-year-old that is still not answered
yeah right, it's still not answered
I saw big shopping malls
elsewhere they would call it a town
you're right, I'm just jokin'
as a little one I started with provokin' cars and coverin' the streets with colours
(yes, you're right again, a car is not provocable it's its driver)
but my mummy destroyed my ambitions to spray paint the pain(t) away
well so often I'm between affirmin' and acceptin' and refusin' and protestin' the worlds, your reality
I want to turn into your dirt, your dust, your oil
I wanna become you black moloch
I wanna sleep in your ground, sleep with you
to be with you, to be you
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4. |
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got a call at 5 p.m.
you were lying on the intensive care unit
daddy said you had a nervous breakdown ‘cause he couldn’t deal with
the situation.
no accusation!
but mum gave me the real radical facts.
suicide attempt. insulin. pain-killers.
paradoxical. toxical.
you wrote a farewell letter by saying you’re sorry
and that you love us
but you can’t live in this fucking world anymore.
epic fail.
you’re still here.
do you realize?
I asked why
and got this rhetoric answer: ‘cause life sucks.
yeah..right way solving problems!
what was your intention?
disappear forever?
asking for help?
silent but massive cry for help!
now..you reject.
wasted effort!
today your life seems to be normal again.
work, friends, ideal of beauty.
lead a perfect life for the ones around.
facade? truth?
suppression.
what goes around comes around
assume responsibility!
and live with the consequences.
welcome to life.
but who am I telling you how life works?!
sorry, I exceed the limits.
for me you changed everything.
and nothing will be as it was before.
hardness and ignorance are reality now.
probably my behavior will have fateful consequences
like yours did
but I do not know how I can defeat being angry and embittered..
one wish: making your deed undone.
impossible.
but “never underestimate the impossible”..
I’M so SORRY for giving up and treating you like that
but you wanted me to live my life without you?!
now I know: suicides are egoists.
and I got nothing left to say..
currently.
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5. |
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turn your back
twist your feet
move your head
again and again and again
that's the dance of all the blossoms
that's the dance of all the leaves
I just wanna sit there and watch you
how you tumble, how you move
I just wanna sit here and watch you
how you tumble, how you dance
the wind caught you and set you free
no it was the one who make you lose hold
_
I scratch the surface
by any means
one hundred drops from a small piece
writin' names on walls
I really scratch the surface
I want to, I have to destroy that wall
_
fill-in for fill-in, throw up chaotic lines
from here to there to nowhere
with a bag full of cans
conquestin' places where no one's goin' to
no one want to, no one have to, no one
that's my love, that's my will, that's my need
that was my love, my will, my have to
_
I'm gettin' homesick
when seein' you, smellin' you, touchin' you
rotten places of my youth
own a/one world beside the "real one", a wonderful place to be
gettin' drunken, broken glass, a warm place to sleep
rooms filled with illusions and idea(l)s and danger within
I'm gettin' homesick
when seein' you, smellin' you, touchin' you
a can filled with aerosoul
emptied on a wall
leavin' most colourful creations I've ever seen
feel the power of a tag
to ride into the beauty of the sky
to turn yourself around and around and around
standin' on a front wheel, shufflin' backwards
seemed to me as I am learning to walk again, again
to conquer, to create, to scream
one luv
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6. |
insignificance
03:09
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empty days. meaninglessness. silence. quietness.
I feel torn inside. void.
thoughtless existence
thoughtless (car)driving
lost in thoughts
(can’t remember the past seconds)
direct it against a wall
automatically
without wanting it
just doing it
not for dying
only to get a leg broken or both
impact.
and the (e)motion picture in my head is over…
thoughtless bathing
staring at the white naked ceiling
slitting the wrists
obviously wrong
water red
am I dead?! no.
calling the ambulance
opening the apartment door
hoping help comes not too late
faint. I. floor.
pool of blood. naked.
blurred view.
awakening. a room filled with sold out seats.
strangers staring at me while I’m almost dying.
a tub of clear water.
and the (e)motion picture in my head is over…
standing on a bridge
wind is blowing across my face
the railing keeps me (staying) alive
but I let go and falling down to escape
the feeling of weightlessness makes me happy
I start smiling
closed eyes every single second
to feel the whole immensity of this infinity
knowing the ground is too close to vanish
I lose the awareness to be aware
crash of my own life
and the (e)motion picture in my head is over…
I’m afraid of my thoughts
what is happening to me?!
thoughtless thinking
but what’s the point?
I wanne live
really want it
love the life
I’m torn inside
I want back everything I’ve lost
and finally the (e)motion picture in my head is
over…
and I can start living again
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7. |
lost thoughts
04:02
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lost thoughts pass me by thoughtless
life's a chaos right now
shouts and silence
just in change
where is the way out?
I turn myself in circles
live my life in circles
wanna stop turning around
the need of solution is unavoidable
wanna destroy the bubble which we live in
(can't keep living this)
the ups and downs of our existence
down to hell
up to the roots of the trees
I'm almost at the surface
can almost breathe
I'm happy for few moments
push the issues away
and then
something drags us down again
my life lies in ruins
I can't keep living this
for the rest of my life
for one moment
I'm leaving the world
to get away
I'm leaving the world
just to get back
I'm leaving the world
yes I'm leaving today
but only in thoughts
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